To Live
by trunks111
Summary: Yuri. Shoji-ai. HinataIno. Hinata is suicidal. She has clinical depression. Her father sent her to college. She doesn't sleep enough or sleeps to much. She doesn't see much point in living, yet her reason always prevents her from dying. She doesn't want life anymore, yet something is keeping her from death. Warnings: Suicidal references. Swearing, Possible triggers.
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever felt so lost, so alone, that it seems the only way out is to take your own life? To just go in the bathroom, lock the door, slit your own throat, plunge the knife in as deep as you can and rip... To just go take a walk outside with no intent on returning the house you're expected to call a home... Laid in your bed, reached over, taken the pills from your drawer, poured out a handful, downed them and laid there, closing your eyes, awaiting the peaceful bliss of death? How about decided today is the day, you get the ropes from the garage, tie a noose like you've practiced, hang it from a ceiling support, step onto the chair and let gravity do it's thing... Or, if you're a family with a gun, decided the gun is the way, dig out of wherever it's hidden, loaded it, turned off the safety if it has one, sat in your bed or your parents, or gone out to the front of the house, put the gun in your mouth or to your skull and pulled the trigger, a splattering of brains and blood the end.

Have you reached out to those who call themselves your friends? They try, and try to help you, but you're beyond hope. You tell them all goodbye, write a note, leave it to be found. Maybe there's a friend who will know you're serious, who will get the text in the night, too late, help arrives. You're already gone, or it arrives just in time, and you're just a mess, a pitiful existance is all that's left for you.

Counseling if you survived because that one friend...  
Still, you regret nothing, you wanted death and yet again, it was denied to you. You cry every night, wishing the Fates would not be so cruel as to deny you your greatest wish.  
Sometimes those that wish to save us, can't see that we don't want to be saved, we can't take this life anymore. Death would be better, but they want us to fight.

Are you the one whose reason always wins out? You want to, you long to, you hurt yourself intentionally, you go about doing things you know will kill you sooner or later. Yet still, you force yourself to live. You talk, you write, you listen to music, you leave the house for hours to be by yourself.  
Soon, nothing helps. Nothing can stop the pain. You want it to all end, crying every night, depression making everything nearly impossible. A future unknowable. Uncertainty means a slow death. Unbearable to not know, so lost and tired.

The past haunts, things you should have said, should have done. It never ends. You blame yourself. Things could have been so much better if only you had the courage to do as you knew you needed to.

My name is Hinata Hyuga. I have been where you are. I still am. I cut occasionally, mostly, I hit myself or walls, enough to bruise and nearly break my own hand. I also drink energy drinks, much more than is healthy, instead of water, it's a monster. It doesn't matter the time of day, if I have one, I'll drink it. I sleep either very little, or excessively.  
Hiashi knows of my sleeping habits, nothing more. He is sending me to college. He's allowing me to choose my major. Some freedom, I suppose. I already found a job near the university, a simple job as a coffe maker in a coffe shop. Early morning, with classes in the afternoon. Perhaps I will see a reason to continue to live... I doubt it, but I will continue as I always have, pretending.

The university is large, it offers every major imaginable. I have to share a room with somone, I'll find out tomorrow, when I arrive. For now, I finish packing my things, clothes in a back, a box of necessary electronics and notebooks, a small box.  
In the morning, I leave, I put this place behind me, for now.

Morning has come, I slept maybe three hours. I shower and dress in black basketball shorts and a dark purple boy's tank top. With a pair of black DC shoes on my feet, I place my wallet, phone, iPod, and car keys in my pocket. I sling the backpack on and pick up the box, heading out to my gray chevy. I place the box and backpack in the passenger seat before sliding in the drivers side.  
Arriving at the university, I carry my things with me to admissions, where I am handed my schedule, a map, and my dorm key.  
The room is simple, a bed on each side of the room, a dresser, a nightstand by each bed, a closet, attached bathroom, and a window between the nightstands. My roommate has not arrived yet, so I take the bed closer to the bathroom, fitting my purple sheets to the bed and unpacking my clothes. I place the notebooks in the bag and glance at the map.

With nothing better to do, I decide to find all my classes, the library, and the fitness area.  
As I do not have an ID yet, I cannot check out any books, but the fitness area is open for any and all. With my headphones in my ears, I workout for an hour, warming up on the bike, then moving to various weight machines. When I finish, I return the the room, finding my sleep clothes and taking a shower. When I emerge, my hair a sodden mess, plaid flannel grey and black pants on with a large Rise Against shirt on, I find my roommate has finally arrived. It's a female with long reddish hair and a hat. She sags her jeans slightly, and is wearing a male muscle tank top, a black bandana tied on her head.  
She swivels with my aproach. She takes me in, admiring me, I can feel her eyes linger, I see the smirk on her face.

"Hinata Hyuga," I offer as I pass her by to lay on my bed.

"Tayuya," the red head grins down at me.

I say nothing more, rolling over, my back to her. College life has just begun.

One day, perhaps I will break... Until then, let life carry on.


	2. Chapter 2

Around three am, Hinata rolled back over, she had taken a nap, and Tayuya was sleeping fitfully, snoring softly. As usual, her thoughts had taken a darker turn. She sat up and dug in her backpack for a notebook and pencil. Finding both, she opened to a blank page and sat up with her back against the wall, knees to her chest and the notebook on her legs.

Humming a tune softly, she began to write.

_[chorus]_

_How can you sit there and try to tell me_

_Try to tell me how to live my life_

_You're not so different from me_

_Yet here you stand, telling me_

_Telling me to do this,_

_To do that,_

_You really don't see it at all..._

_[v1]_

_I don't say it enough,_

_I can't express how I feel,_

_So i try, I try,_

_To convey all the things you mean to me_

_by my deeds,_

_It's not enough,_

_It never will be,_

_I can never repay you,_

_but maybe someday,_

_You'll understand me..._

_[chorus]_

_[v2]_

_I will never give up,_

_You will be a reason_

_A reason for me to fight_

_Giving up, no matter the situation,_

_I cannot, I will not,_

_Not with this debt to be repaid,_

_I cannot, I must carry on._

_One day, maybe,_

_You'll see..._

_It all..._

When she finished the song, she simply stared at the paper. She felt considerably better, lighter, as she normally did after a good writing. Staring at the top of the page, she decided on a title, _D_. A simple title, one not even she fully understood the implications of. She closed the notebook and sat it on the nightstand with the pencil. Looking around the room, she decided she would go to the fitness area.  
She got up and rooted around the dresser for a pair of gray basketball shorts and a black boy's tank top. Not bothering to go into the bathroom, Hinata changed her clothes and grabbed her purple iPod from her old shorts, slipping the cord down her shirt as she quietly left the room.

Gone away by Cold began to play as she made her way down the halls.  
She did the same as before, but she worked out for a good three hours, even going to a punching bag for a half hour, wishing she had a real opponent. It was nearly seven, so she decided to go have breakfast before returning to the dorm for sleep. She had a little carton of cereal and applesauce, glancing around as it grew later. Few students and even a teacher trickled into the large room.

A boy she recognized, Kiba Inuzuka, was one of the last to arrive for some time, he was paying for his food as she got up to leave. She tried to hurry before he saw her, but he called out to her as she was heading for the door.

"Hinata?"

Sighing softly, she turned around to face him.  
"Yes Kiba?"

"It's been awhile," he grinned at down at her.

"So it has."

"How's life been treating you?" he asked, oblivious to the fact that she was itching to leave.

"The same as it was the last time we spoke," she replied coldly, growing annoyed by his prescence.

"Oh..., well mine's been great! I'm here on a scholarship, to be an engineer!" He grinned brightly.

"Good for you Kiba...," She muttered, turning to leave.

"Well, since we're both going here, maybe we could hangout some time?" he asked.

"I doubt it," she replied, walking away.

"Oh...," he mumbled, looking crestfallen and taking his seat at a table, wondering why Hinata was so anxious to get away from him.

She rolled her eyes at his stupidity and returned to her room. She took a shower before laying down, sleep came easily.  
Hours later, when she woke, it was to curses coming from Tayuya's direction. She found her shorts from earlier and took out the iPod, putting her earbuds in her ears and laying back down. She closed her eyes once more as The Hell Song by Sum 41 began. She slid her phone from her pocket, lighting it to look at the time.

It was only about three. She returned it to her pocket and rolled over, her back to Tayuya once more. She didn't have much to do, classes weren't starting yet, work wasn't until tomorrow morning...  
With a shrug she sat up and faced Tayuya.

"Do you know where any stores that sell Monster Energy drinks are?"

Tayuya glanced at her before returning her gaze to her sketchbook.

"Maybe."

"Well?" Hinata was getting annoyed.

"What do I get for telling you?"

"Your face intact," Hinata replied calmly.

Tayuya threw her head back and laughed. "Yeah right."

Hinata launched herself from the bed, landing in a crouch with one hand around Tayuya's throat, the other pulled back and clenched into a fist.  
"Do you really wish to test that theory?"

She looked thoroughly shocked, and a tad bit fearful. Hinata loosened her grip on her throat.  
"Care to tell me now?"

"Uh, there's one near the coffee shop in town," the tan girl replied quickly.

The corners of Hinata's mouth twitched upward in a smile but she repressed it before it could fully emerge. "That's a good girl."

She released her and redressed, leaving a still shocked Tayuya to ponder what in hell had just happened.

Hinata found the store, parking around the back, and going in. It smelled of alcohol and tobacco. Lovely.  
She bought a total of eight monsters, three nitrous super dry, three nitrous anti gravity, and two green imports. She carried her bag to her car, getting in and opening a super dry. She drank half of it sitting there before returning to the dorm.

Tayuya wasn't there when she got there. She smirked, she wondered what stories she might tell. It didn't matter. A mini-fridge was in order. For now, she placed her monsters in the bottom drawer of the nightstand. She decided to get one after work tomorrow. For now, she decided to read for a while, and headed to the library.

She wandered the shelves, finally finding a familiar author. Ellen Hopkins, truly moving stuff. She picked out Impulse, her personal favorite and sat down to read.

* * *

**A/N: Song is my own original piece. Hope you continue to enjoy the story. Sorry about change in POV.**


	3. Chapter 3

It was nearing ten when Hinata finally left the library. She went to the cafeteria for dinner, before returning to her room and grabbing an Import from the drawer. She drank some of it before going to the fitness area. She took it easy, spending most of her time on the punching bag and bike.  
When she got too bored, she went to the room.

Tayuya was there, laying in her bed. She froze when she saw Hinata.

Hinata grinned at her, a wolfish grin.

"I'm not afraid of you!" Tayuya growled, standing.

"Good for you," the purple haired girl replied, brushing past her, nonchalantly Hinata's left hand shot out as she passed her, lightly grabbing and squeezing Tayuya's breast.

"What the fuck?!" Tayuya yelled as Hinata laid down a second later.

"What?" Hinata asked innocently, looking over at her with wide eyes.

"What the fuck?!" She demanded.

"I don't know what you're talking about...," Hinata replied with a slight shrug, beginning to roll over.

Tayuya grabbed her shoulder, Hinata's eyes flew open and she flipped back over, her hand tightly clamped around Tayuya's wrist, almost hard enough to break it.

"Don't touch me."

A look of fear entered Tayuya's eyes before she could regain her resolve, Hinata shoved her back, by the wrist.

Tayuya fell back on her bed before quickly getting up and walking back over to where she had been.

"What the fuck?!"

"I advise you to watch your tone."

Tayuya glared at her.

"Besides, we both know you liked it."

And with that remark, Hinata picked up her monster and left. Yet again, leaving a bewildered and enraged Tayuya behind.

Hinata went to her car, she had no idea where she would go, but decided simply to drive for a little while. Eventually, she wound up at a lake. Carrying her monster, she wandered out and laid down by the water, gazing up into the dark sky.  
She thought about how she had gotten to this point.

People had left their marks on her. Most, unseeable. She used to be shy, quiet, nice. As the years went by, she saw being nice got her hurt, so she became as the world made her. Cold, uncaring, an ass. It didn't matter, she had fun occasionally. It didn't matter what others thought of her. It didn't matter that sometimes she would lay awake for hours remembering what she did, regretting every second. She told herself it didn't matter now, it was in the past, but the past haunted her. Sometimes, she hated herself for what she had become, other times, she reveled in it.

She sat up and took a swig of monster.  
Laying back down, she thought of Tayuya. It had been fun to mess with her. She considered apologizing but knew she wouldn't.

As she laid there, tears slowly trickled out the corners of her eyes. The tears fell, they continued to fall for quite a time, she didn't bother to wipe them away. She knew she would have to return to the dorm for her work uniform sooner or later. A couple hours later, she finished her monster and returned to her car. The dorm was quiet whe she arrived. She found her uniform and went to the bathroom to change.

She finished work at three, and went to buy a small black mini-fridge.  
Placing it between the nightstands, she stocked it with the monster she had bought the day before. It even had a combination code, so she wouldn't have to worry about Tayuya stealing any. She changed into her sleeping clothes and eventually managed to drift off.

She woke eight hours later, Tayuya was sitting up in her bed, with her sketch pad. She didn't seem to notice Hinata, so the pale skinned girl punched in the code to her fridge and withdrew an anti-gravity. She popped the tab and took a sip. She sat and stared at the floor for a few seconds. Her mind blank, when she snapped out of it, she found a pair of light gray shorts and a black tank top, going to the bathroom to change. She carried her anti gravity with her, taking sips as she dressed and then went to wander the campus.

She could feel it. A bout of depression was coming on. Strong and fast. She kept walking though. Even as her eyes began to fill with tears, she continued on. Her tears slowly began to fall from her eyes but she took no notice, she kept walking and sipping her monster. Eventually, she took a seat in one of the outside halls, a covered stretch of sidewalk that led from one building to another. She sat with her back against one of the support poles. Her legs were folded indian style, her monster sat on her right.

Her shoulders shook as more tears fell freely. Her heart hurt. It felt as though she were being torn in two. Existing hurt. She didn't want to anymore. She hadn't wanted to for so very long... For some reason though, she was supposed to continue to exist. No matter how much she didn't want it. She was so tired..., so very tired of it all. Why couldn't she simply die?

Her warm tears fell, until no more came, the only evidence, her blotchy face and wet shirt. She took a long drink from her monster.  
That's when she noticed her. A girl beside her. Blond hair, ice blue eyes, wearing light blue denim jeans and a fishnet shirt with a white tank top over it.

"I would ask if you were okay, but that's a bit of a dumb question," the girl said with a slight smile.

Hinata looked away, not saying anything.

"I can go if you want," the girl offered.

Still, Hinata said nothing.

"Well..., if you ever want to talk, my name is Ino Yamanaka. I'm usually in the library from about ten until three and then from eight til it closes," the blond continued before standing and with a last glance at the purple haired girl, walking away.

She sat a little while longer. Cursing herself for being so weak as to allow another to see her cry. To see her weakness. Growling lightly, she punched the cement walk, bruising her knuckles, clenching her hand hurt now.

'Good,' she thought, 'let that be a lesson.'

She finished her monster and returned to the dorm, deciding to lay in her bed for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

She neglected to sleep that night, instead, drinking another monster.  
Work was tedious as always, afterwards, she bought ten monsters and a couple four packs of green, red, and blue. Returning the room, Tayuya again gone, she stocked her fridge, throwing away the boxes from the four packs. She kept a blue out, opening it as she found clothes for the day.

Dressed in a pair of purple shorts and a dark grey tank top, Hinata made her way with her monster, to the fitness area.  
She worked out until she could barely put one foot in front of the other, from sheer tiredness but also the workout. Still, she didn't sleep, only returning to her room for another monster, red this time, before heading to the library.

She went as far back as she had last time, seeking the books she had found before.  
A slightly familiar blonde haired girl caught her eye. It was Ino..., just as she said she would be. The pale girl continued on, searching for more Ellen Hopkins. She found a new novel, Tilt. Two and a half hours later, she finished it. A bittersweet smile upon her lips.

Considering finding Ino, Hinata stood, her monster half gone. She wanted to..., yet she did not want to.  
The blond had seen her cry... She offered to listen... Why? That was a very important question. People did not simply help others out of the kindness of their hearts.

Still indecisive, she wandered in search of the blond.  
She found her with her nose in a book, but she did not say anything, waiting for the blond to acknowledge her presence.

"You can sit you know," Ino told her quietly after a few moments.

With trepidation, Hinata sat across from the blond.

"Why did you offer to listen? What do you gain?"

"Nothing. I offered because you look like you need someone to talk to. And maybe I could help you," Ino responded with a shrug.

"But why?"

"For the shits and giggles, I don't fucking know. It's just in my nature to offer to help those who look like they need it. You seem to have accepted my offer, and if you haven't then why are you here?" Ino retorted, looking up at the other girl.

Hinata looked away, somewhat startled by the girl's outburst.

"I don't know... I was wondering why you wanted to help people... People don't generally help others just out of the kindness of their hearts."

"It's what I do...," the blond looked away, a blush heating her cheeks, one Hinaa looked back just in time to see.

With a smirk upon her lips, Hinata stood and silently walked over to Ino, slipping an arm around her shoulders.  
"I think I have my answer," she whispered, breath warm on the shell of Ino's multiply pierced ear.

Ino shivered, but twisted around, her hand whistling through the air, but Hinata caught her wrist centimeters from her face.

"That's not nice..., and I know you like me..., it's rather obvious," Hinata said with her smirk still in place.

Ino looked shocked that Hinata had caught her wrist, she still hadn't let it go either.

"I do wonder why you like me though..., you saw me crying for no forseeable reason..., yet..., you offered to help me."

"I... I just like you.., I've seen you around the fitness area, and this is the first time in like four years I've seen you. You disappeared after middle school," Ino said quickly.

Hinata was silent for a time.  
"Hiashi pulled me out of regular school, I went to a private online high school. For some reason, he has seen fit to allow me to go here for college. And here I am."

Hinata's grip on the blonde's wrist had slackened considerably, so slowly, Ino stood and gently placed her hand upon Hinata's cheek.  
"If... If you need someone to talk to..., I'm here for you and maybe if you would want something more..., I wouldn't say no to you."

"But you don't know what's wrong with me," Hinata protested softly.

"I doubt there's anything wrong with you. You're beautiful."

Hinata shook her head in disbelief, but gazing into Ino's ice blue eyes, she could see herself maybe beginning to believe her.

Ino offered a smile, dropping her hand. Hinata's hand found Ino's, and she offered a smile in return.

Maybe..., just maybe, Ino could be there, could be someone she could talk to. Not everything, not at first..., but maybe, with time... Ino could give her something worth clinging to.


End file.
